Too tired to fight
by AmyJ10
Summary: He couldn’t stop, he didn’t want to stop. He was so god damn tired and he couldn’t keep fighting, he didn’t want to keep fighting anymore...E/O
1. Chapter 1

**Well hello...it's been a while. This is something I've been working on for a while, it's completed and has three more chapters ready to go, so if you want to read them you know what to do!!**

**Warning: This does contain adultery, if that's not your cup of tea I'd advise reading anyway...lol!**

**As always PLEASE let me know what you think, every review counts, and means a quicker update! lol!**

Olivia stood in the shower, using every ounce of strength that she had to hold her upright as the water beat upon her skin. She could barely stand, her aching legs begging her to sit down as she scrubbed at her skin for what must have been the hundredth time, it just wouldn't go away. She could still feel the blood between her fingers, hear the sobs of the children that had surrounded her as they watched their friend lose their fight for life, she couldn't save them. She could feel Elliot's hands on hers as he dragged her away from the horrific scene, she could hear his short shallow breaths and she could see the large cut across the side of his head.

He'd been hit so hard, she'd thought for a few terrifying moments that he wasn't going to get up, that he would never get back up and it nearly killed her. Her heart had raced, her hands had shaken...she was still shaking now, she'd nearly lost him right in front of her eyes. She rubbed her shoulder, using her spare hand to lean on the wall of the shower as her body grew even more weary. She too had battle scars from the day, bruised ribs and harsh purple bruise across her jaw...she'd nearly lost him.

They had been chasing the killer of three children for weeks, and today she thought they had gotten a lucky break, they found a name and she was determined to find the son of a bitch. She hadn't known how it would end, she hadn't known what he would do...if she had? She never would have gone in there, she never would have pushed him so hard. He was a school teacher, a school teacher? She couldn't believe it. They had interviewed him for 7 hours straight, Cragen had suggested that they gave him more breaks but she and Elliot were convinced that this wasn't the way to go, he needed to be pushed, to be forced, to be stressed that way he would confess and so Cragen let them push.

Jeffries had cried and sworn on his mother's grave that he would never harm a child but there was something about him, something that didn't add up, Elliot had felt it too. They both continued to question him until his lawyer showed and took him home...no evidence, that's why they'd had to work so hard in the interrogation. Of course Jeffries had been suspended, ordered not to return to the school and sent home while Elliot and Olivia searched for anything more concrete on the guy who had so callously killed three little girls.

She closed her eyes for a moment, wondering if there was anything she could have done to prevent what had happened? Her ribs ached as the water beat against them, perhaps ignoring Cragen's ordered to get checked out was a bad idea? She'd just wanted to get home...there was so much blood...

**

There had been so much blood.

Elliot could barely think straight. Every time he closed his eyes rivers of red would invade his mind, children's sobs would take over the sounds of the city. It was four hours after they'd let Jeffries go, three hours after he'd climbed into bed with his wife that the call came.

"If you don't get here now I'm going to kill them all!"

He and Olivia had ran through the school corridors not waiting for back up, scared that there was no time, knowing then that they had pushed him too far. They'd found Jefferies and his class of twenty sat in absolute silence, he taught a class on Saturday's the parents hadn't been told not to bring their children and he'd taken them all in to the classroom whilst hiding a pistol in his top drawer.

He'd looked around at the group of five year olds wondering if they knew what was happening? They were all so quiet. The gun in Jeffries hand did nothing to ease Elliot's mind as he slowly opened the door and stepped into the classroom, closely followed by his partner.

"So nice of you to join us, put your guns down."

They had hesitated, they should never have hesitated. Jeffries grabbed the nearest child, a beautiful little boy and put the gun to his head, there was no way Elliot or Olivia could get a clear shot.

"You have 3 seconds or I swear to God!"

"Okay!" Olivia had set her weapon down first, knowing that the man wouldn't think twice about killing the little boy, Elliot followed.

Nearly twenty minutes later, handcuffed, slightly battered an bruised Elliot and Olivia sat amongst the children who by now had crowded around them, clinging to them, some sobbing, some simply staring blankly ahead.

"Everything is going to be okay, mommy and daddy will be here to pick you up soon and you can go home," Olivia promised the frightened children and she truly believed that once Jeffries realised what he was doing he would give up.

They both froze as a small boy stood up, neither one could reach him.

"Toilet?" he asked softly, smiling at Jeffries.

She'd screamed as the shot went off and the little boy dropped to the floor, he'd grabbed her hand as they sat back to back to each other and the other children began to scream.

"Calm down, everybody quiet down, he's okay....he's going to be okay," even he didn't believe that, he knew the child was dead, his blood spilling onto the blue carpet, his eyes wide open with shock.

The only sound left was the children's crying, all of them struggling to get closer and closer to Elliot and Olivia. He didn't let go of her hand once. "It's okay, we're all going to be okay."

He could feel her shaking behind him knowing that she saw every last second of the little boy's life. He hated feeling so powerless, unable to take the bastard out and really protect the children, he knew she felt the same way.

It took two hours for Jeffries to make his next move, pulling Elliot up out of the crowd of children pressing the gun against his head. "Tell me!" he asked Olivia. "Him, or one of these kids?"

Her heart had stopped and he could see her struggling to catch her breath, before she could even think about answering another shot rang out and another tiny body hit the floor. Elliot watched as tears filled her eyes, she couldn't speak, she couldn't say a word. Another shot.

"Me! Me you son of a bitch me!" he'd screamed as the children huddled closer to Olivia, screaming, crying, desperate to go home.

He'd never seen her like this and when Jeffries threw him to the side and reached out for Olivia all hell broke loose. He pistol whipped her and pressed the gun against her head. "Her or the kids El? Who are you gonna save?"

Two more children died before he could even think about answering.

As the fifth child dropped to the floor and the gun was pressed against Olivia's head he knew what he had to do. "I'm sorry," he whispered looking her dead in the eye. She nodded slightly and closed her eyes struggling not to shake, not to cry, knowing that he had no other choice. "Her." His heart broke in that very second and as he looked around the room and saw the bodies of the tiny children he knew she would never forgive him for saying anything else.

His heart stopped as he pulled the trigger...there was no sound. All three of them looked up in shock, the tears in Olivia's eyes spilling over onto her cheeks. Jeffries frowned and pulled the gun away from Olivia, the next few seconds were a blur. Jeffries dropped to the floor, eyes wide, blood seeping from his neck, the marksman had found his shot.

Olivia immediately dropped to her knee's struggling to find a pulse from any of the five children, her breathing was laboured, tears streaming down her face as their blood covered her hands. The other children simply clambered towards her as she sat sobbing in the middle of the room, unable to fathom the thought of five lives being lost so easily.

**

She heard the knock and knew it was him. He was coming to see how she was, to apologise for almost sacrificing her to save the children and she just didn't think she could take it.

"Please...please let me in."

Just a few minutes later the door opened and he entered. He looked utterly defeated.

"You should go home and sleep-" she stopped as his finger traced the outline of the bruise on her jaw. "Go home Elliot-"

"I'm sorry." He hung his head, his pocketed hands fumbling as he struggled to look her in the eye.

"You have nothing to be sorry for...I would have done the same. I...I need to sleep Elliot-"

"I keep...seeing them," he admitted, seeing the children's terrified faces every time he closed his eyes. "He would have killed them all, he would have killed you and then...and then the rest of them."

"We don't know that." She couldn't do this now, she couldn't depict every could've been, she was exhausted, physically and emotionally. She could see the pain etched into his face, his beautiful face and she wanted to help, she did, but she just couldn't. She'd been there too, she was hurting too, she couldn't pick him up and put him back together again, not before she picked herself up.

"I can't go home-"

"You have to, please..." she closed her eyes. They had always had an amazing partnership, yes they fought, yes there were times when she'd wanted to walk away but they were intense, they were impossible at times but they were the best when they won, they won together but when they lost...it usually hit one of them harder than the other and the other would be left to pick up the broken scattered pieces. This time, this time had been like Gitano, but it hurt so much more knowing that they had to do the right thing this time, and he had, he'd done the right thing, he'd spared fifteen lives for the sake of one, hers.

She knew it was the right thing, he knew it was the right thing, so why was he in her apartment silently begging for forgiveness? "Elliot it's okay," she promised, unable to offer anything more than those three words.

"It's not okay...I can't....I can't do this anymore..." he shook his head, his blue eyes conveying nothing but sorrow.

"Please...we can talk about this tomorrow," she could see he was suffering but she just couldn't make it go away. She stepped forwards slightly, placing a hand over his heart. "You did everything you could, you saved more children from being killed by choosing me-"

"I could never...if I lost you..." his hand was now above hers, he could feel his own heart as it beat at twice it's normal rhythm.

"I know." She did know, of course she knew. He didn't have to say another word, she could feel the guilt coursing through him, the guilt he didn't need to feel. "You did the right thing," she repeated softly, looking up and forcing him to look into her eyes.

She didn't know who started it, she couldn't remember, she simply felt the pain in her ribs as he harshly pushed her against the wall, his lips on hers, his hands roaming her body as he pressed his erection against her. She ignored the pain and frantically ran her hands through his hair, along his neck, his back, anything she could grab onto as he assaulted her neck with his mouth. She knew it was wrong but she was too weak to fight it, too exhausted to keep fighting it and so tired of doing the right thing. She moaned as he cupped her breast, thrusting against her as she bit into his neck.

He couldn't stop, he didn't want to stop. He was so god damned tired and he couldn't keep fighting, he didn't want to keep fighting. He growled as she wrapped one leg around him and thrust against him, reaching under his shirt, wanting, no, needing it to be off of him. She pulled it over his head, unsure of where it had landed, it didn't matter. She winced in pain and her pinned her against the wall, unable to take it she pressed her hands against his chest and pushed back silently.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, dropping to his knees. He pulled up her shirt and placed a soft kiss on the large bruise covering her ribs, he'd spend forever kissing her if he thought he could make the pain go away. He grasped the sides of her sweat pants as he kissed every inch of her stomach, unable to stop as she ran her fingers through his short hair.

He had a wife at home, a family, but he couldn't tear himself away from the woman he'd nearly lost, the desperation and need was too much for anytime to take and he'd fought it for far too long, he was too exhausted to keep fighting. He felt her hands pulling him up and in seconds his lips were on hers again as she fumbled with his belt, her shaking hands preventing her from getting anywhere fast.

"It's okay." She felt his hands covering hers as his lips consumed her once again, before she'd even realised he'd removed his belt and thrown on across the floor. She moaned into his mouth as he picked her up, she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her to the sofa and gently lay her down, climbing on top of her, his eyes taking in every inch of her. He pulled her shirt over her head and quickly brought his lips to her chest and suddenly everything was spinning.

She'd dreamt of this moment, it had never been in these circumstances but now as it was happening she felt as though her heart was going to go into failure. It was finally happening. She moaned out loud as he took her nipple into his mouth, his tongue flicking back and forth as she writhed underneath him.

"Now," she whispered as she pulled at his trousers, desperate to get them off of him. Within seconds they were both completely naked, she wondered if he could hear her heartbeat? She froze as his finger encircled her centre, she needed this, she needed him, they'd so nearly lost each other today, she couldn't die without owning him like this, without having him own her.

She bit her lip to swallow the whimper that escaped as his finger entered her, her arousal more than obvious. He captured her lips with his own as she clung tightly to his shoulders as he moved within her. "Now," she repeated, encircling his throbbing cock with her hand pulling him closer, knowing that if he was going to stop it now was the time, if he was going to back out, have a change of heart this would be the exact moment and she prayed to God that he didn't. She needed him.

"Liv-" he growled, the feel of her touch almost too much to take. He pressed his forehead against hers as he struggled to catch his breath, did she really want this? He'd needed her so much he hadn't thought about her, about what it would do to her? He wanted to stop, to check she was okay but he was scared he would beak if he did so he simply kissed the top of her head and entered her slowly, this was what it felt like, ecstasy.

He was shaking, she was shaking too, both of their hearts were beating so fast. He was inside of her, for the first time in eleven years he was inside of her, he never wanted it to end. He felt her hands slide along his back as they both simply lay, he gave her time accommodate him, time to feel every inch of her. "Jesus." He pressed his forehead against hers as she bit her lip, he was actually inside of her.

He brought his lips to hers as he very slowly pulled out, she suddenly felt empty. She bit down on his shoulder as he pushed into her again, her fingers digging into his back as he pushed her to the very limit. She could barely catch her breath as she met his next slow thrust with her own, she was going to pass out, this was too much...so good but too much to take. There were so many thing's she'd wanted to say, to tell him but now she couldn't think of anything apart from how good it felt to finally have him inside her, on top of her...

They found a slow, torturous rhythm and his lips found a home on her neck as she struggled not to mark him, meeting each thrust, struggling not to cry out, the only sound heard was their gasps for breath and Elliot's growls as he repeatedly thrust inside of her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, desperate to get him further inside of her as their speed increased and with every thrust she felt the electricity in the pit of her stomach begin to spark.

"God..." she moaned into his ear as she felt herself begin to lose it. She bit her lip as his thrusts became more frantic, each one met with a grunt or a moan as they both clung to each other, lips against lips, hips against hips, Jesus they needed this. She wouldn't call his name, there was no way that she could...

"Elliot..." she barely whimpered as he threaded his fingers with hers, biting down on her bottom lip as he thrust inside of her again and again. She cried out as her orgasm surged through her, at that moment she felt his release inside of her and after a few more thrusts he collapsed onto of her, sweating and shaking.

**

He'd stayed that way for exactly five minutes, she'd wanted to cry when he pulled out of her and sat up, could they not have had a little more time? He'd mumbled some form of apology as he scanned the room for his clothes, she'd pulled the blanket from the top of the sofa and covered herself feeling more vulnerable than ever before. Suddenly the doubts about his wife and family and the fact that he was her partner crept into her mind, she'd slept with her partner....her married partner, what the hell had she been thinking?

It had been a moment of complete weakness, of craziness. She wanted to talk to him to ask him if he was okay, if he hated her, if he was going to request a new partner but she couldn't speak.

He'd quietly entered the bathroom to get dressed having not said a word in the process, leaving her outside on the verge of tears as she contemplated what had just happened. Now, as the bathroom door opened she tried her best to look unaffected but Jesus there was no doubt about exactly how affected she was. "I'm sorry-" she started, freezing as he held his hand up.

"It was...it shouldn't have happened but it has...we need to forget about this."

She nodded as he spoke when all she really wanted to do was ask why he hadn't thought of that before he'd fucked her? Of course it was a fucking mistake, but he couldn't just take it back. She sat with the blanket pressed against her chest, watching as he searched for his belt and shoes and wished that she was able to say anything to him...anything. She thought that this had been something they had both wanted, both needed but it was nothing but a mistake.

She couldn't stand the thought of losing him, as he stood with his back to her she stood up slowly and walked towards him. He would hate her when the reality really sank in. How could they let this happen?

"Please don't leave like this," she sounded a lot quieter than she had intended to. "I...I didn't mean for this-"

"I know...it's not your fault..." he shook his head and closed his eyes, he'd cheated on his wife. He felt her soft hand against his back, she was still trying to comfort him. He turned to her and took her hand in his, pressing his lips against it. "I'm sorry."

"I know..." she would not cry, she would not. He pulled her hand against his cheek and closed his eyes as she cupped it, her touch had healing powers, he forgot about the angst inside his brain and just wanted to be inside of her again. "We..." she swallowed the lump in her throat, "Stay." She knew it was a lot to ask but if he walked out the door after having sex with her she didn't think they would ever recover.

"I want to..." he could barley breathe, what the hell was he doing? He pressed his lips into the palm of her hand. Slowly he reached for the blanket covering her body and pulled it away, dropping it to the ground to reveal her naked form. She was so beautiful. He pulled her into his arms, lifting her onto the kitchen counter as her hands cupped the sides of his face and her lips kissed his cheek, they had nearly lost each other today, now as she kissed his lips and eagerly waited for him to enter her for the second time she wondered how she was ever going to let him go...

**Please review and let me know what you think, the next chapter is ready to go!! X**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews so far, this is quite a dark story and will continue to get darker. Please have a read and let me know what you think Xx**

They hadn't talked about it. They hadn't really talked about anything since that night, long silences filled the spaced that has usually been taken by banter and casual conversation. He was sat at his desk, avoiding any eye contact with her, she wondered if he'd even looked her in the eye once in the past fourteen days. He'd been sullen before, quiet and moody, but she'd always known how to handle him, whether to tell him to "man up" and "snap out of it" or to calmly comfort him, this time she had no idea what to do.

He had left without saying a word, not a single word and it had nearly broken her heart. They had been lying, tangled up in each other, when he'd let out a deep sigh and she knew it was over. She'd closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep, unable to face the pain of watching him leave her after what they had done, when she heard the click of the front door closing she could barely breathe, the reality of what they had done overwhelming her as she lay naked on the floor with nothing but a thin blanket to cover her. What had she done?

"We need to interview the family again." He didn't say why, and she didn't ask, she simply nodded, biting her lip as he stood and she followed. It was as if she'd lost her voice when it came to him, even when she knew he was wrong she simply agreed, unable to find the strength to disagree, everything had changed now and she had no idea how to face him. She knew he was angry at her, and she knew she deserved it, she should have stopped it, she shouldn't have let him touch her, she was terrified that he would just lose it at any moment and explode and she'd know exactly how much he now hated her for what they did. She could barely think straight anymore, constant thought of what Elliot thought, how Elliot was feeling, how he had felt...she couldn't go there.

"Are you even listening to me?" he snapped, unable to even pretend to hide the anger in his voice.

"Uh, I am...sorry." She'd never been afraid of him before, afraid that with one word their partnership could be over? Maybe she deserved it?

He didn't say another word as they approached the car. The car was the worst, having to sit in such close proximity with him was almost unbearable it was then that she remembered how her lips felt on hers, how her felt onto of her, inside of her... She shook her head, she couldn't get it out of her mind, the way he felt, the whispered words of passion, the way he'd held her...until he'd remembered his family at home and left her.

He'd stayed with her all night, not even a wink of sleep was shared between the two of them as they connected on levels they'd never allowed themselves to believe possible together. She'd lost count of the amount of times he'd taken her, the sofa, the kitchen top, the shower, the wall, the floor everything in her apartment reminded her of him and the way he'd moved inside of her, everything apart from her bed. Neither one had even tried to head for the bedroom, perhaps understanding that the bed was for lovers, for those who didn't have to sneak around and hide their actions. Not that either of them was trying to carry on the one night they had shared...They could barely stand looking at each other, touching...touching would have killed her.

**

Elliot watched as Olivia sat in the passenger seat, unable to look at him she stared forwards and he knew she was lost in her own thoughts, thoughts about him...about what they had done. He knew she regretted it and he hated himself for not stopping it sooner. He was an asshole. He could barely look at her without having constant reminders of how she felt under him, how it felt to finally be inside of her...it was killing him. He hated himself for what he had done to her, to their friendship and he hated himself for wanting it to happen again.

Being around his family was unbearable, he had no idea how to be around his wife after straying into his partners arms. Kathy had brought Olivia up many times in arguments and he could stand there and whole heartedly swear nothing had happened, how would he do that now? He prayed that Kathy would never ask again because he knew he'd give himself away within seconds... He'd thought about telling her, about walking out there and then and ending it for good but every time he saw his kids he reminded himself exactly why he was there, how much damage it would do to his family if they ever found out about what he had done. It wasn't going to happen again, he knew that Olivia wouldn't let it, so he simply kept his confession to himself and prayed that he would start feeling like his old self soon.

Kathy had asked him what was wrong with him last night, noting he'd been "different" he calmly explained that he was still struggling to deal with the loss of the four children in the school standoff and both his heart and his head punished him for lying. He knew he'd been a nightmare and promised he'd try harder, his stomach flipping as Kathy pressed her lips against his, guilt overwhelming him as she pulled away and smiled, he hated himself.

He knew he'd been worse with Olivia, almost punishing her, snapping at her at every chance. He'd had the chance to leave after the first round of sex and he hadn't, he'd stayed all night, learning every inch of her body, something he now couldn't get out of his head. He should have left, he never should have touched her but...but he just couldn't help it, he'd never needed anything more. He knew leaving he way that he did would hurt her but as the light of day seemed to bring his reason back he could barely breathe as the reality of what he had done sunk in. Now he was acting as if it was all her and as much as he hated having to do it he knew it was the only way that they stood a chance, they would be okay eventually, he had to concentrate on his family and remember that Olivia was his partner and only that, keeping her at arm's length was the only way he was going to save his family, and his partnership.

**

Another dead end.

She wanted to scream. She'd been hunting for the rapist of a twelve year old girl, the bastard had attacked her in public toilets and she was now terrified to leave the house. She was determined to find him, but she was getting nowhere quick. She looked up as Elliot angrily slammed some files onto his desk.

"You wanna calm down Stabler?" John called from his desk in his usual teasing tone.

"You wanna shut the hell up?" The squad room came to a standstill ad Olivia and Fin both stared at Elliot.

"Man, he was joking-"

"I don't have time for this," he angrily slammed his desk drawer shut and headed for the locker room.

"Either you go after him or I do." Fin's tone left her with no doubt as to what would happen if she wasn't the one to go and talk to him, so slowly, with a racing heart, she followed her partner into the locker room.

**

He heard the door opened, he knew it was her. His heart stopped as she heard the click of the closing door.

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked, trying with all her might to prevent her voice from shaking. She could do this, they both could, pretend that nothing happened...simple.

He was sat with his head in his hands, and his hack to her. "Liv, just...get out."

"You know we can't keep doing this-"

"I said get out!" he stood quickly and spun around to face her. "I don't have time for you right now!" he watched as her expression changed, she couldn't hide the hurt on her face. "God," he thumped the nearest locker, and in the corner of his eye he saw her jump.

"You wanna punch the hell out of everything in front of you? That works really well for you?" with every word she spoke she remembered exactly how to talk to him, this had to stop. "Hitting things doesn't work for you, you need to think of other ways to help you cope-"

"Like fucking you?" he finally met her stare as her eyes widened. "That why you came here? It's never going to happen again Liv, so you can get it out of your head-?"

"You bastard," she would not cry, she would not cry. She was fighting for breath as her chest rose and fell, she'd never experienced such intense physical pain from words before...

He was a bastard. He knew it, and he hadn't meant to say it, hell, he didn't even mean it, he knew he shouldn't be angry at her... but he was and he couldn't stop it. "I..." _say sorry, just say sorry, tell her you didn't mean it_ "I'm requesting a new partner." He watched as she looked as though the air had been knocked out of her. He hated her...he hated her because he wanted her. He couldn't keep hurting her, it was easier this way...she'd understand eventually.

He left her stood in the locker room alone, still stunned by his outburst.

He was a bastard.

**

It had been three weeks since the confrontation in the locker room and as much as she hadn't believed him Elliot was true to his word. Fin had taken to the change with fewer complaints than John and as much as she liked John she knew that Fin wouldn't irritate her half as much. She hadn't spoken a single word to Elliot since he'd left her alone in the locker room, thousands of emotions had assaulted her as she struggled to deal with the loss of her best friend but she would be dammed if she let anyone treat her the way he had. She was strong enough to cope with this.

"Wanna tell me what happened with you and Elliot?" Fin asked as they drove.

"No."

"So something did happen?" he smiled, desperate to get even a smile out of his new partner. She'd been utterly miserable since they'd been paired together and he put it down to simply missing her partner but he knew why she had requested a change, Stabler was a moody asshole, she'd get used to being paired with him in time, it was John he felt sorry for.

"This is Tommy's uncle's house, he said he'd spoken to him about who was hurting him, do you think it's him?" she asked, keen to stop the molester of a five year old boy

"No, definitely not him, he was out of the country when the attacks happened. But the mom said he wouldn't give up any information when she asked him-" he started

"If a child is in danger he will, or I'll arrest him."

"Okay, so we're not taking and shit from this guy? Good, I think this partnership is gonna work just fine, you just keep this attitude and we'll be like...The Kray twins..." he smiled as she shook her head, hiding a smile and pushed open the passenger door.

**

He'd been driving for exactly forty seven minutes, summoning up the courage to drive home. His wife had called six times...six. So four minutes ago he turned the car around an began driving home, wondering if he could kiss his wife when he got home without feeling physically sick with guilt.

Hurting his wife was currently battling hurting Olivia in the "What does Elliot Stabler feel most guilty about" competition and it was driving him crazy, he felt like he was betraying his wife all over again by feeling bad for his poor treatment of Olivia, the look on her face... What the hell had he been thinking? He hoped that eventually she would understand, he had to hurt her to save their relationship, she would understand, she had to...

His heart suddenly stopped as he heard the radio begin to crackle...he missed the first part as the volume was low, as he adjusted the volume he heard...

"Assistance needed...officer down...Liv! Shot's fired!"

His heart stopped. His foot slammed on the break as he felt the blood drain from his face, shots fired...Olivia...Officer down....It had sounded like utter chaos was erupting, he had to get there, he had to...he had to get to her.

**

He'd driven like a maniac but he didn't give a shit. His heart was thumping, it was the only thing he could hear as he approached Fin. He was just stood there, head in hands...ut was bad, Elliot knew it, it was bad news.

"Where is she?" his eyes were wide as he scanned the scene, looking for any hint of how bad her injuries were.

"She's gonna be okay...she was knocked out-" Fin started, guilt overwhelming him.

"Knocked out? W-What the hell happened why weren't you watching her back!" it took exactly three seconds for Elliot to start shouting.

"He pushed her down the God Damn stairs! I was at the top-"

"Why the hell would you go first?"

"What?! Why don't you go to the hospital and check she's okay, or do you wanna waste your time yelling at me?" Fin snapped, he knew he should have stayed closer to Olivia, the bastard turned to run and she tried to stop him, the look on her face as she fell...he knew it would give him nightmares for days, if not longer.

"How bad?"

"She has a head injury, broken ribs, her wrist-"

"Jesus!" Elliot angrily slammed his hands against the nearest wall. "Why didn't you go with her?"

"There wasn't enough room, they literally just left when you got here, I'm going to follow. You need a ride?"

**

He had driven himself to the hospital, and stayed only to hear that she was going to be okay and that there would be no permanent damage. His wife had called eight more times, how could he explain this? Surely the guilt would be written all over his face? Late for dinner because the woman he'd had sex with was hurt and he was terrified she was going to die hating him?

She was okay, she was going to be okay. As he lay next to his sleeping wife forty hours after the accident thoughts of Olivia bombarded him as he struggled to sleep, desperately trying to think of anything other than her, other than the immense need to see for himself that she was okay? He slowly turned onto his side so that he was facing his wife, for her sake and the sake of the life they had built for 20 years he silently promised to stay exactly where he was...

**

Every step hurt, every time the inconsiderate bastard banging on her door at 3 am pounded it felt like her head was going to explode, concussion was bad enough but this? She angrily pulled open the door, ignoring the pain in her ribs and before she could yell or slam the door in his face he was on her. His lips were against hers, his hands cupping her face as he sent them both flying backwards until her ass hit the sofa.

For a moment she ignored the pain all over her body and allowed him to kiss her, and she kissed him back, Jesus he felt so good. She wanted him so badly, what the hell was he doing to her? She couldn't breathe, she couldn't thing straight, as his hands roamed her body she placed her hands on either side of his chest and pushed him away. "Stop." She looked at him, unable to hide the frown. "What are you doing?" how stupid did he think she was? After everything he'd said to her, he thought he could simply burst in the door, kiss her and everything would be okay?

"I...I needed to see that you were okay?" he stepped forwards, running his hand a long her bruised cheek bone. This was how it has started the first time, his hand skimming her jaw line...

"I'm fine, go home to your wife," she could do this, she could ask him to leave, ignore the urge to let him take her there and then, ignore the need to have him hold her in his arms. Her heart was beating so loudly she could have sworn that he could hear it.

"I...I can't..." he couldn't explain it, he didn't even know how to try but something was pulling him towards her. How could he leave her? How could he ever leave her? His heart was thumping, did she have any idea what she did to him? What the thought of losing her did to him?

"Please?" she begged as his fingers gradually skimmed her throat and chest. She closed her eyes, knowing that she'd hate herself in the morning and that he would hate her too. As his lips softly pressed against hers she brought her hands up to cup his cheeks. "This is wrong..." she whispered as he reached for the top button of her blouse.

"I know..." he knew, of course he knew but he couldn't tear himself away from her. She needed to know how much he...how much she meant to him, how sorry he was for what he'd said...he had to show her.

"Mmm," she whimpered into his mouth as his hands roughly roamed her whole body, her broken ribs crying out as he roughly tugged on her shirt.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kissed her again, his tongue slowly tracing her bottom lip as he prayed that she needed him as much as he needed her and that she wouldn't turn him away...

**Please review, just take a second to let me know what you think?? It'd be greatly appreciated :D Thanks xx P.s the next chapter is ready to go...you want it??**


	3. Chapter 3

His breathing was shallow. She could feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest against her back as he slept soundly with one arm wrapped around her, as they lay, her back pressed against his chest and their legs entangled. How could he sleep? She'd promised herself that she wouldn't do this again...

It hadn't been like the last time. It had been just as powerful, just as intense, just as overwhelming but the frantic desperation hadn't reared its ugly head, she hadn't been slammed against any walls, doors, or counter tops and she hadn't landed on the ground with a slam; her injuries simply wouldn't permit it. No, it hadn't been like the last time but she almost wished it had been. Her mind was racing, thought after thought after thought assaulted her. The one thought that would not go away was the one she had no desire to accept at all, no desire to believe as it would drag her kicking and screaming into realms she didn't dare to dream about.

Having sex with Elliot Stabler had terrified her; touching him after eleven years of convincing herself that she had only platonic feelings for him had nearly killed her. She'd barely been able to look at him afterwards without blushing, without remembering exactly how he'd felt inside of her. A part of her yearning to forget, to save their partnership, but the more dominant part telling her to savour every single touch, moan and breath, never to forget as she was so sure it wouldn't happen again...

It had happened again. She'd thought about telling him to leave; she knew that she should have pushed him away and she'd tried, but his lips were against hers and the only thing she could vocalise were moans as he slid his hands along her body. She'd fought the pain that coursed through her body with every kiss, every grasp. He'd run his hands through her hair; and for a few moments, she'd simply let him kiss her, only just recovering from having had his lips on hers the first time, only to have them there again. His every touch set her senses into overdrive and she could barely catch her breath as his lips assaulted her neck.

She'd been prepared for sex, she'd been prepared for him to have sex and leave...as he'd pulled her shirt over her head she'd reminded herself that it was just sex, that it was just sex and that he'd be gone as soon as it was done. Even that didn't stop her. How could she ever stop him? How could she refuse his kiss? His touch? As much as he'd hurt her, as much as she'd cried, she couldn't help but make the same mistake again and silently prayed that it wouldn't be harder to watch him leave the second time.

She'd made love before, not often, but she had done it and she'd always known when it was going to happen; there was always a certain mood before hand, gestures, looks, she always knew. She hadn't known this time, she wasn't sure how it had started...perhaps when he slowly lead her towards the bedroom, the place they had avoided at all costs before. He'd kissed her passionately and slowly edged her towards the room she was sure they would never use together. She'd hesitated at the door, clinging onto the door frame for just a moment, scared that if they had sex in her bed she would never be able to sleep in it again, that constant memories of their intimate moments would stop even a single wink of sleep but as he gently urged her into the bedroom, his lips never leaving hers. She blocked the thoughts and simply felt.

The desperation that they had both shared a few weeks before had vanished and he'd slowly stripped her, taking the time that he hadn't before to look at her body, wincing as he saw the bruises from falling down the stairs. As he had done before, he kissed the bruises, one at a time. This time, his hands hadn't grasped or grabbed; they caressed and the roughness had turned into something...tender? She couldn't quite name it yet.

He'd gently lowered her onto the bed, careful not to hurt her, knowing exactly how fragile she was and after removing his clothes he climbed into bed with her, pulling her closer to his and kissing her like she had never been kissed before, slowly and gently moving until he was on top of her, his lips never leaving hers. She'd never felt more secure in her life. He was in her bed and in moments he would be in her, a place she'd desperately wanted him to belong forever...

A wave of panic washed over her as his roaming hands ceased and as his lips pulled away from hers, the pain in her chest as she thought that maybe he'd changed his mind, that he was going to leave, was unbearable...the panic had been short lived as he'd placed his hands up to gently cup her cheeks. "I thought I'd lost you..." he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. "Don't..." he started, "Don't scare me like that again okay?" he asked, his thumb caressing her cheek.

As she'd nodded, unable to speak, he slowly slipped into her and Jesus it had felt so good, so good she could barely catch her breath. He'd waited, simply kissing her, allowing her to accommodate his size, cupping her breast and simply allowing himself to drown in the feeling of being inside of her. Her hands had travelled up and down his back as he slowly began to move inside of her. It was ecstasy, and as he reached for hands and entwined his fingers with hers, she wondered how anything would ever compare to this feeling, to making love to Elliot Stabler.

His lips had never left hers; their hands had remained entwined and slowly, almost torturously, they had made love, something she knew she would never be able to do with anyone else, and something to which no experience, past or future, would ever compare to

**

He was going to wake soon. He was going to wake up and leave, and it would break her heart all over again. She'd allowed herself to believe, for just a few minutes, that because the sex had been so different, so intimate this time, that he wouldn't leave but she knew she was fooling herself. He probably hadn't even realised they'd made love; he was just being gentle because of her injuries... She lay, listening to him breathing, wishing she'd turned him away as the pain of what was about to happen began to creep up on her.

She'd allowed herself to be held by him all night, so she would at least have the memories of being in his arms to console her when he rejected her. He was so beautiful when he slept, did he even know? She wanted to tell him, but she knew they would never speak of it, that he would simply fling insults at her in the heat of aggression and because of that she wished they had simply has sex, fucked it out, why did they have to...why did she let him make love to her? Jesus, it had felt so amazing, but now...now it was going to hurt twice as much. She knew him, knew exactly what his reaction would be and it was going to sting.

She froze as she felt him move against her, tightening his grip around her stomach, pulling her even closer to him. She didn't want it to be over already, but she knew he was waking and that in the next five minutes he would be up and out the door; and, as much as she was trying to prepare herself for it, she knew it was going to hurt like hell.

"Mmmm."

She closed her eyes, wondering if he would just leave if he thought she was asleep. She could feel his erection against her and wished that Elliot was anything but her married partner so that she could simply turn to him and instigate another sexual encounter, but he was her partner and he was married, and for that she hated herself. Perhaps his quick exit would be easier? She closed her eyes as tightly as she could as she felt him shift next to her, his grip on her slowly loosening.

"I know you're not asleep."

Shit.

"Liv..."

"You can go...I...I'm sorry I let this happen again." Maybe he'd spare her feelings if she gave him an easy out, maybe he'd remember this the next time he wanted to yell at her for no God Damn reason. She couldn't face him using this against her again, not after last night.

She closed her eyes as she felt the bed shift. She didn't open them again until she heard the door close and the tears began to form.

**Please continue to review, I really appreciate the reviews! Xxxxxx The next chapter is ready to go and it's actually the last chapter xx**


	4. Chapter 4

She always chewed her pen when she was nervous, it was something that had taken just a little time for him to learn. Trying to catch her eye, he shifted in his seat, cleared his throat...hell he could have fallen backwards off his god damn chair and she still wouldn't look at him. He'd been her partner for nearly eleven years and he'd never been more lost for words. They had barely said a word to each other since he'd left her apartment, he'd stayed partnered with Much and Olivia was still with Fin, he hated it. Every time they left the ache in his heart became more intense, he wanted to be the one watching her back, the one making sure she was always covered, he wanted to be the one walking side by side with her.

He'd left her apartment exactly two weeks ago because she had asked him to, he'd wanted to stay, to talk but she'd made herself perfectly clear. He thought about telling her that he couldn't go, begging her to let him stay but he knew it would only complicate things further so he'd gone home to his wife and children and forced a smile when all he could think about was the fact that he had just made love to Olivia Benson, he hadn't meant to, it had started with him trying to be gentle, trying not to injure her but...the way she'd clung to him, their kisses never breaking, their hands joined, he felt something that he hadn't felt for years, perhaps ever and it scared the living hell out of him every time he thought about it. He had wanted to be with her, to connect with her but the boundaries had been crossed and he wondered if there was any way it could it ever have been just sex between them? No, The extent of his feeling simply wouldn't allow it.

He remembered the feel of her hands in his, her lips on his, how it felt to be inside of her, every moment of every day and it was killing him. He had tried to talk to her, to catch her eye, anything but she just wouldn't communicate at all and this killed him even more. He once thought, whilst pinning Olivia Benson against her kitchen counter that he didn't want to die without having made love to her, they'd had sex then, it was desperate, needy and unsure the first night that they had shared, it was sex, fantastic sex, but just sex. Now he knew what it was like to make love to Olivia Benson he wondered if he would ever be able to forget...

***

She would not cry.

She took a deep, shaky breath as she closed the crib door behind her and walked towards her locker. She'd been fighting for exactly seventy two hours to save a young girl from a crazed paedophile. Natalie Deane was seven years old, taken from outside her own front door as her mother struggled to get her and her siblings to school. They'd found the bastard who had taken her after 36 hours, and for nearly thirty straight hours Olivia and Fin interrogated the sick son of a bitch until he finally got bored and gave them the information that they so desperately wanted. Natalie was already dead when Olivia and her partner had stumbled upon the garage that the killer had described, her neck broken, her tiny battered body lying on the damp floor, eyes wide with fear.

That sight alone made her want to break down there and then, the little girl must have been so scared... telling her mother had been agony, the young woman simply collapsed to her knees, clinging to Olivia as she sobbed and screamed for her baby girl, having been so convinced that her daughter would be okay. Olivia was exhausted, the poor little girl was in the morgue and her mother's life was changed forever, on days like today she wondered if it would ever end, she wondered if it was really possible to have a happy ending, even when children survive they too are changed forever... She shook her head, leaning forward until the cool metal on the lockers met her forehead, she had failed to save Natalie, failed to make the sick bastard confess earlier, she had failed and she was just so exhausted...

"Hey..."

"Not now Elliot." She couldn't do this with him here, she just needed...she needed a release, she needed to scream or to cry but...not with him there.

"It's not your fault-"

"Please not now..." she felt the tears begin to sting her eyes and closed them, desperate not to shed a single one in front of Elliot, the man who just weeks ago was in her bed, the man who she couldn't face at the best of times. She heard him moving behind her and expected to hear the click of the door but instead she felt him, his hand grasping her arm slowly pulling her towards him and into his arms. For about three seconds she thought about pulling away but as she slowly curled her fingers to grasp the material of his jacket, her head resting against his chest as he ran his hands through her hair.

It felt so right, like being held by the one person in the world who could ever make the pain go away. She physically ached for him, when he wasn't near her it was unbearable but when he was within a few meters the need was overwhelming, and now, she so close that she could hear his heartbeat.

He pressed his lips onto the top of her head, he knew how much she was hurting and he would've given anything to be the one person who could take her pain away. He could barely breathe as she clung to him, not crying, not talking just...allowing herself to be held, allowing him to hold her. It was wrong, he knew it but he just couldn't let her go. How could he?

She pressed her lips against his slowly and within moments she was pinned against the lockers, her tongue in his mouth, has hands unbuttoning her pants. She needed this. She had tried to convince herself that she would be okay, that they would be okay, that they could just go back to normal but every second that he wasn't inside of her was torture and she just couldn't take it anymore. She moaned into his mouth as his fingers grazed her centre, Jesus, her pants needed to be off now, right now. She ran her hands through the short bristles of his hair as her coat dropped to the floor, his hands were everywhere and she could barely breathe...

He'd been so terrified that he would never feel her body pressed against his again, that he would never feel her lips on his and now, as they began to strip each other in the locker room, not caring about anything other than the intense need to be inside each other, he thanked and chastised God for sending this woman to him.

"Hey Liv! You up here?"

She'd never seen him move so fast, one second he was on her, the next he was at the other side of the room quickly doing up his trousers. She barely had time to run her hand through her hair as Fin walked in, he looked from Olivia to Elliot and back again.

"You okay?" he asked softly, noting the slightly shocked look on her face.

"Uh, yeah..." she cleared her throat, attempting to sound anything other than completely overwhelmed. "Yeah," she spoke a little louder, watching as Fin again looked from her to Elliot.

"I just...wanted to check you were okay, and wanted to let you know Cragen wants our report in the morning," he kept his eyes trained on Elliot as the other man simply stared at his partner. "Okay," he couldn't help but wonder exactly what he had interrupted as he turned to leave, closing the door slowly behind him.

Elliot walked towards her quickly, freezing as she put her hands up in defence.

"No..." she sighed, turning away from him. "Jesus what are we doing?" What the hell was she doing? Had she lost her God Damn mind? She watched as Elliot frowned, unsure of what to say, of course he didn't know what to say, there was nothing he could say to make this okay. How could she have been so stupid, he wasn't hers, she couldn't have what wasn't hers, no matter how empty she felt without him, no matter how much it hurt when he wasn't near her.

Elliot took two steps forwards, bringing his hand up to cup her cheek, resting his forehead against hers. "Don't do this." He didn't know what else to say, he knew it was wrong, of course he did but he could barely breathe when she wasn't with him, he only really felt alive when her lips were on his, didn't she understand.

"Go home to your wife Elliot," she whispered, pulling away from his grasp and leaving him alone in the darkened room.

**

"You okay?" Fin's voice brought her out of her daydream. She turned to find him staring at her with a slightly concerned look on his face. "You've barely said a word all morning..."

"I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, I'm sorry," she offered, she had had exactly two hours of restless sleep before her alarm began to scream in her ear. He had turned up at her apartment at ten o'clock and despite every inch of her body begging her to open the door, she knew that she couldn't, instead she sat against the wooden door listening to his every move outside her door. She knew that he knew that she was in, and for that reason he stayed outside her door for nearly two hours, hoping that she would open the door to him.

She hadn't and just before 11:52 she heard his deep sigh and the sound of his footsteps going down the stairs, she stayed where she was for another two hours, sat against the front door of her apartment silently wishing he would come back and trying to understand exactly how things became so fucked up.

Of course physically, after losing the children in the school they had turned to each other and she had known as soon as his lips touched hers that it was wrong, of course she did but she always sacrificed her own needs, always and she had just...needed him so much, she still did. She knew they had crossed the point of no return when she'd let him kiss her, when she'd let him move inside of her...there was no way back but she knew that no matter how much it hurt she had to figure out a way forward.

**

Exactly four weeks had passed since the locker room incident and they hadn't said a single word to each other, the tension was obvious and both of their partners had enquired about the source, both of them had received short, sharp answers and the knowledge never to bring it up again. Cragen had individually asked them what the problem was, both of them refusing to accept there was one, Olivia slightly less aggressively than Elliot who nearly broke the Captains door with the force of the slam as he'd left.

If she was completely honest she was devastated, she knew that she had to cut herself off from him, in every way possible and she knew that he would react but she didn't expect him to be so angry. He was more aggressive than ever, rougher with perps, shorter with John, he was almost unbearable. She understood his anger, of course she did, but did he not understand why it had to be this way? He hadn't said a single word to her since she refused to let him into her apartment, and while she had decided that she could no longer be intimate with the man she cared about so much, she had to accept his decision to end all contact all together.

She had hoped that eventually they would return to the way they were, before they broke the rules, she'd hoped that she would be able to have a normal conversation without thinking about how it felt for him to be inside of her, that she could watch him speak without her eyes automatically finding his beautiful, soft lips but he had made it clear that it wasn't going to happen and she refused to show him exactly how much it hurt.

**

She may as well have gone back to Oregon, the only difference now was that he could still see her, he knew that she was safe but...but he couldn't talk to her, she'd made it obvious that she couldn't carry on their sordid secret and he just didn't know how to be around her anymore. He silently prayed that he wasn't hurting her, thats he'd understand eventually that this was what he had to do to get over her? Get over her? It was just sex...he'd tried to convince himself of thisfor so long but when he became almost desperate to be near her, to hear her voice he knew it was more...what did it matter now? She had made herself clear, she had left him standing outside her apartment for hours, he'd heard her inside...he'd thought about begging, maybe even using his key but knew it would get him nowhere, he had to respect her wishes, no matter how heavy his heart felt...

**

Elliot slowly pressed his forehead against the cold wooden front door of his ex partners apartment, the door he'd been outside so many times. His heart was racing and hundreds of horrific thoughts were running through his mind, raging anger threatening to overturn his overwhelming concern for Olivia. He needed her to answer the door. He'd knocked three times, softly called her name through the door to let her know that it was him but he'd heard nothing.

He had felt as though his heart was going to explode as Fin told him what had happened...

_"She's okay...she's been checked out at the hospital and they have her the all clear, just cuts and bruises." _

_Elliot listened as Fin explained the minor injuries his partner had suffered, but he knew there was more, the look in the other mans' eyes told him there was more. "What happened?" He asked, trying not to sound too accusatory._

_"I was taking the statement of the neighbours...perp must've come home while Olivia was searching the house-"_

_"What did he do to her?" he couldn't help but tense his jaw, the thought of anyone else touching Olivia made his blood boil. "Fin!" he was beginning to lose his patience._

_"Look man-" Fin didn't want to be the one that told him._

_"I have a right to know. I have a right to know," he repeated slowly, watching as Fin nodded his head slowly._

_"She told me...that he knocked her out...when she woke up her pants were off and he was ontop of her-"_

_"Jesus Christ-" he felt as though his chest was going to implode. Not her, not her please, not her. He could barely breathe as Fin placed a strong hand on his arm. _

_"He didn't rape her, he didn't okay? When I got there he was..." he took a deep breath. "He was on top of her with his trousers undone, had her cuffed with her own cuffs...if we'd got there any later..." he couldn't stand to think of what would have happened if he'd gotten there any later. "But we got there on time...he didn't rape her."_

_"She was sexually assaulted," he spoke through gritted teeth. "How far did he get?" he felt sick to his stomach. He watched as Fin almost nervously looked at him._

_"Nothing under clothes...she promised me. I uh, I asked her to do a rape kit at the hospital, she said there was no need but..."_

_"You think she's lying?"_

_  
"No...but I know that attempted rape can be just as terrifying as rape...she...was shaking and she could barely speak-"_

_"And you left her alone?" part of him wanted to punch the other man, part of him wanted to go to the cell and kill the son of a bitch who had dome this to her, the rest of him ached to be with her, to make sure she was okay._

_  
"Go man...She needs someone."_

He'd driven so fast it was a wonder he hadn't crashed, but his heart ached more for every second he wasn't with her and he could barely stand the thought of her alone, in pain, it was very slowly killing him. Now as he stood outside her door he wondered if he should go? Maybe she needed time alone? No, he shook his head, she would want to be alone, but she needed the opposite, no matter what she had convinced herself.

He slowly turned the key in the door and pushed it open...

"Liv it's me...I used my key..." he called out into the silent apartment, the last thing he wanted to do was frighten her. He froze as he heard a sound he had never heard before, a sound that singlehandedly broke his heart, a small sob. He followed the sound towards the bedroom, hs heart physically aching, desperate to hold her, to make sure that she was okay. He pushed open the bedroom door and froze as his heart sank, there she was, lying on her bed, on her side iwth her knees tucked into her stomach, tears streamed down her face, along the large purple bruise that covered the right side of her cheek. God, what had that bastard done to her?

He wanted to cry, he'd never even seen her cry, nothing more than a few tears in her eyes. She looked so fragile, so broken, she met his gaze for just a second before closing her eyes and the fact that she didn't even move to try and shy away from his gaze told him exactly how traumatised she was. He didn't know what to do, how to make it better. His heart sank further as another sob escaped.

He removed his shoes and jacket before cautiously walking around to the other side of the bed, slowly lowering himself and gently bringing himself closer to her. He was scared to touch her, scared that she would be frightened of him, but...he was so desperate to hold her, to make the pain go away so he gently brought his hand around until it was draped over her hip. He felt her shift against him and prayed that she would allow him to comfort her. He released the breath he didn't even know he'd been holding as she covered his hand with her own, squeezing, silently asking him to hold her, he edged forwards until her back was against his chest and held her tightly as her sobs intensified.

He held her for what seemed like hours before she fell asleep, safe in the comfort of his arms and he thanked God that she has let him hold her, as much for his own good as for hers...

**

Olivia sat at her desk, reading through her latest case file, she'd been staring at the same page for almost twenty minutes, nervously watching through the Captains window as he read through her statement. It had been three weeks since she had been assaulted, three weeks since her nightmares almost came true... She couldn't stop the chill that ran down her spine. She was okay, she'd spoken to a therapist after seven nights of night terrors and was slowly becoming more and more aware of how to avoid the traps that so many others had fallen into. She wasn't ready to talk to her colleagues yet, Cragen had insisted she'd taken more time off but all she could do in the apartment was think...dwell...

"Hey-"

She could do nothing to hide the fright, Jesus, he said hi...just hi...she needed to snap out of it. She coudln't jump every time someone said hello.

"You okay?" his deep blue eyes expressed a deep concern.

"Yeah," she lied. "Yeah, sorry I was day dreaming."

She had woken up the morning after the assault to find Elliot gone, he had made her breakfast and it was still warm so he must have left only moments before. Next to the breakfast was a note.

_Please call me, anytime, El _

She knew that he'd been scared that she would wake up and ask him to leave, he was trying to prevent any embarrassment she would feel after breaking down in front of him but she couldn't help but wish...

"You sure?" he asked in a soft, lulling tone. She could see in his face that he didn't believe her but as she nodded and gave him her best fake smile he admitted defeat this time and let it go.

They had spoken every day at work since he'd cradled her all night, no words, no intimate touches, just pure comfort...and since that moment it almost seemed as though everything had gone back to the way it used to be, and she was so relieved, so happy to have him back even if it wasn't all of him.

**

She couldn't do this.

She'd frozen, in the middle of a God Damn interview she just....froze. The second the bastard trailed his finger along her arm she could barely form a sentence, she'd started to sweat and it took exactly four minutes before Cragen opened the door and ordered her out. Her arm! He only touched her God Damn arm.

"Liv-"

"Not now Elliot please..." she didn't have the energy for him right now, things had been going from bad to worse, they'd been getting on so well...but it was all shot to hell when asked if they could be partners again, she'd said no...and within hours he was back to his angry self. What the hell did he want from her? They couldn't be in such close proximity, despite everything she'd been through she still found herself wanting him and it felt wrong...it confused the hell out of her, how could she still want someone sexually after what had happened?

"Liv-"

"I can't do this with you right now Elliot!" she turned to face him, trying to look as stern as she could. Why was he making this so hard.

"I...I should have been in there with you then-"

"What?"

"I should have been with you on that day-" he didn't know what else to call it. "This...this is killing me okay? I need to be the one that protects you, I need to know that you're okay-" she had to know.

"I don't need protection-" she spat angrily, who the hell did he think he was?

"Jesus Olivia you were nearly raped!" he hated saying it, he felt sick to his stomach even thinking about what could have happened to her, what had happened to her.

"I know! Jesus, Elliot I know! Do you think I'd really forget!"

"Let me watch your back again-"

"No! No! No!" she brought her hand to her head. "What part of that don't you get? Why the hell are you pushing this-" she really didn't understand why they couldn't just carry on the way they were, it was so much safer this way.

"I miss you..." the shouting stopped.

She looked up at him with wide eyes, unable to tear her gaze away from his. He looked so desperate, like he'd do anything just to have her as a partner again...

"That's why I can't....Jesus, Elliot I can't d this-"

"Just...give it a chance-"

"And what happens when we face a case we can't handle? How long do you think it will take until you're back in my bed Elliot? God, I knew this wouldn't work-"

"This isn't just your choice! You don't just get to push me away and pull me back in-"

"You pulled yourself back in! I didn't ask you to come to my apartment Elliot, I didn't ask you to stay with me-"

"You didn't ask me to go." He knew he was being an asshole but he just wanted to be her partner again, he needed to be nearer to her, it was killing him having such little contact with her.

"You son of a bitch! Is that why you came that night? So that you can use it against me to get what you want?" she was pissed, how dare he use that against her.

"Jesus no!"

"Well fuck you Elliot!"

The words escaped his mouth before he could do anything about them. "You already did remember?" he saw her face drop, what the hell had he done...

**

"You don't have to do this..." he whispered softly, barely able to speak.

She looked up at him, trying to avoid the tears that would undoubtedly come. "Yes...I do." She had asked Cragen for a reassignment, she was going to vice, something she was confident she could handle. After the last argument with Elliot she had gone home, and whilst looking through her mother's old photo album, wondered how she could avoid ending up like the once beautiful woman in the pictures. She knew that Elliot was sorry, and that wasn't even the real issue, the issue was, if she stayed she knew that their affair would carry on, she didn't know how long she could keep turning him away from her front door, something she had done three times since they had last slept together.

She thought about Kathy, and about the incredible pain she would feel if she ever found out about her husband's adultery. She knew that she had to go, she should have known as soon as she crossed the line with Elliot, there was no way it could have ended happily.

"I...I can change-"

"It's not about that, I don't want you to change," she admitted as they sat in the locker room, the last box ready to be carried to the car. "I want you to stay...exactly the way you are..." she swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I need you to stay-" he almost begged. This was not happening, she couldn't do this to him, to them. He didn't know what he expected, he knew that he couldn't promise never to turn up on her door again, he could try to stay faithful to his loving wife...he hated what cheated had made him, had made Olivia but every time he thought he was strong enough to let her go he ended up right back in front of her door. She hadn't let him in, the last time he had been intimate with her was when they had made love for the first time...

"And I need to go...It's...it's for the best you know it is...we should have never started this, this is the only way to finish it." She was quite ready to sacrifice her own happiness to protect him, she only hoped he'd understand and try not to save her... "I have to do this...you know there's no way around it...you...are married and what we did was wrong." They had never spoken so bluntly about it before.

"If there was any other way..." he started, unable to finish, the heavy feeling in his chest restricting the rest of the words.

"I know," she nodded slowly, desperate to leave before the tears formed. She loved him. She loved him and she was walking away, she hated doing the right thing, she hated it but she had to swallow what her mother called 'The Big Girl Pill' and just accept it, she could cry later, now she had to go.

He slowly leant towards her, desperate to feel her lips against his one last time...

"I'm sorry..." she winced and pulled away. "I...I can't-" in just moments she had picked up the last box and was gone leaving him standing along in the locker room staring at her empty locker....

**Please continue to review, I really appreciate the reviews! Xxxxxx I'm working on the sequal as you read.... Xx Wanna read it?? xx**


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